Take My Hand
by sayxanything
Summary: A little girl with glasses was there, blonde hair down, but held back with a headband with bug eyes. Judith didn’t know how she knew who the little girl was, but she did. What's going on? Judith asked.
1. Stay With Me A While

Judith paused for a moment, confused. She was in the middle of a hospital hallway and she wasn't sure how she got there. She looked down and noticed her bare feet, squirming above the cold floor tiles, and the hospital gown she wore. She had just been wearing one of these. She racked her mind silently. _But when?_

She wasn't cold as she thought she would be. It didn't make much sense. She could spot in open window at the end of the hall and she was pretty sure it was November and there she stood in nothing but a thin piece of something she wouldn't even call cloth, completely content with the temperature.

She decided she didn't care, really.

She began walking down the hall, slightly unsure as to why. Her bare feet smacked against the tiles beneath her and she sighed absently, still trying to remember exactly what had happened. Her memory seemed blank. The last thing she could remember was leaving Joan's, and she couldn't quite place how that had put her in the hospital. She stopped walking suddenly and turned around when she heard someone let out a pained sob behind her.

It was Joan. Even from the distance Judith could tell. She was looking into a hospital room, sobbing hysterically. It scared Judith. She had never seen Joan cry like that, even at crazy camp on her worst days. Occasionally she'd try and talk through her crying, but the only thing that came out was a strangled scream, a jumble of words. "Oh my god!" Joan cried. "Judith!"

Judith felt something in her rise dramatically. Why was Joan calling her name? Could she not see her down the hall? She suddenly noticed her mother standing next to Joan, and Mrs. Girardi, not far behind. All of them were crying. Judith became nearly angry with curiosity. _What is going on?_

She decided to find out. "Joan!" She called down the hall, then taking a reluctant step towards the group of people. "Joan! Fran!" Joan didn't turn. Neither did Fran. It was like they hadn't heard her. Judith began to walk towards them quickly, but hadn't gone further then three feet before someone softly said to her, "Judith".

She turned. A little girl was there in a bright outfit, blonde hair down, but held back with a headband with bug eyes. She looked at Judith with an odd expression in her glasses clad eyes, as if she could see everything Judith was feeling at once. Judith didn't know how she knew who the little girl was, but she did. "What's going on?" Judith asked.

"Everything will be fine." The little girl held her hand out. "Come on." Judith thought for a moment, before taking the little girls hand, and letting the five year old walk her down the hallway. She didn't know where they were going. She never really did.


	2. What I've Become

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, yeah, yeah…nothing's mine. Don't rub it in.

**A/N:** I originally wasn't going to keep going with this but I got a lot of great reviews so I decided to add another chapter. Sorry if this chapter is really bad, there's almost no dialog since Judith really doesn't have anyone to talk to. Sorry if it's boring.

**LostS**- Thanks, man! You are one of the people who got me to keep going…I hope you don't regret it now…heh.

**Angie-** Sorry I broke your heart! Haha, enjoy.

**HJ Glory-** Thank you for the excellences! They meant a lot, especially from you, considering I think you're an amazing writer and love your stories. I fixed that sentence! I can see how it confused you…I should have caught it. Sorry bout that. That scene where Judith dies is really sad…The first time I saw it I was like OH MY GOD SHE ACTUALLY DIES! …cows.

**LadyJenny-** Thank you! I thought to take it in a different direction…I was thinking maybe she'd remember in bits and pieces instead of all at once because I felt like there was something so mysterious and supernatural about the subject matter, that even Judith shouldn't fully understand it. I understand how you disagreed…I debated with myself over it, but eventually decided to take a risk. 

**TheCaptain-** Thanks, dude. Keep reading!

**Lemmingally-** I hope you like this chapter just as much!

Thanks to all reviewers!

Judith sat on Joan's windowsill and watched her rummage through her room, dumping out drawers and going through all her clothes. Judith played with the hem of her skirt absently as Joan picked up the dress she had worn to her date with Adam. Judith watched as Joan seemed to be lost in thought for a moment, looking down at the black fabric, before throwing it in a corner.

"That's not gonna make it all go away." Judith said bluntly. She knew Joan couldn't hear her. Joan would never be able to hear Judith unless she really listened. Judith felt pity for Joan when she remembered what had happened Friday night. She wanted Joan to hear her apologize, but she knew she probably never would.

Judith understood Joan. She always had, it wasn't something she had gained with death. At crazy camp Judith was drawn to Joan seeing herself in her. Judith had been where Joan was, being pushed to the edge and stumbling for faith. The difference between her and Joan was Joan found a way to hang on. Judith let go before she even felt a strain in her arms.

Judith dangled her bare feet out of Joan's window for a moment before leaving the Girardi house.

Judith stood at the end of the Polanski upstairs hallway. It was dark and quiet, seeming too still for someone like Grace to live. At the opposite end of the hall was an open door, a warm light spilling from inside casting a yellow glow on the dark walls. Judith walked towards the room as if she was drawn to the light.

Grace sat curled up on her bed gripping her walkman. She had her headphones slightly crooked, one on her ear and one pushed towards the side, as if she was listening for something. Even alone in her bedroom Judith saw that Grace appeared to be fighting, tense and uncomfortable in her own skin. Judith turned around in the doorway and looked into the open door across the hall. A woman lay soundly on a bed. As Judith moved closer, the all to familiar stench of alcohol reached her and Judith understood. She looked at the bowl placed next to her bed and took note of how Grace had placed her mother stomach down with her head resting off to the side. Judith felt a slight pang of guilt remembering her party and how Grace had found her. She thought about how private Grace was with her life and felt odd invading so she left the Polanski house.

Judith sat on the kitchen counter of her home, swaying her legs off the edge. She looked at the answering machine next to her and pressed the play button upon seeing a red flashing light. "Hi, Fran, this is Mark." A low monotone voice spoke with an urgency, as if he had something much better to do. "I wanted to call and say I'm sorry for your loss and you can take your time getting back to the office." Fran entered the kitchen and looked at the answering machine, confused at how it had turned on. "Suzy's been taking your appointments and-" Fran pressed the stop button quickly before turning around and taking something out of the refrigerator. Judith smiled slightly to herself upon seeing her mother.

Judith looked at Fran curiously. She had developed deep bags under her eyes, which looked unusually dark. Her hair was un-brushed, and she moved slowly, like it hurt. Judith frowned. She'd never seen her mother this bad.

Judith moved into her living room and looked at the pictures on the mantle. There were a few of Judith with her parents when she was much younger, but as she got older in the pictures, there were fewer people with her and her smiles were smaller and forced. She walked to the stairs.

Judith entered her room and felt a pang of emotion upon seeing it exactly how she left it. It looked like her parents hadn't even touched it. Her dresser drawers were still open from Friday morning, clothes spilling out of them. She looked at the bulletin board above her bed, pictures of her and Joan taking up most of it. She felt her eyes fill and left her house.

Judith thought about her parents. They never understood her really, despite how well they could analyze their patients. It used to make her mad. Now she felt guilty because it had been her fault. She never talked to them really. She couldn't expect them to see the ways she had been damaging herself.

Judith felt alone. She hated what she had become. She tried to drag her bare feet on the pavement of the sidewalk but felt no pain. She stepped in the frost on the grass but didn't feel cold or pins and needles. She needed that physical pain to pretend she wasn't dead. She needed it to live.

Judith felt her heart swell. She was exactly the same as she had been before she died. She remembered getting drunk and smoking to purposely damage herself, feeling like she needed that pain. She remembered how she had gotten the scars on her arms, wanting to control that pain. She didn't want to remember anymore.

Judith stood in the doorway of Adam's shed, frozen. She felt herself smile, tears falling down her cheeks. Adam sat on a stool in front of an upright canvas, sketching. He looked deep in thought or concentration. The vague outline on the canvas was familiar. It was her.

Her picture was clipped to the top of the canvas. She felt like reaching out and hugging Adam. She tried not to remind herself that she couldn't.

Judith walked down the street, not sure where she was going. An older looking man turned a corner, being pulled by at least six dogs on leashes. He stopped and looked at her. "Judith", He said with a smile. "it's time to go."

Judith continued towards him. "I know." She said quietly, grateful that someone could hear her. Both of them turned the corner and left together.


	3. Something Much Too Deep

**Disclaimer:** NOTHING IS MINE. Joan's dialog is taken from the episode "Dive".

**A/N:** I felt like this needed to be done. I'm sorry if I'm boring you people…

**LostS- **Thanks again! Sorry if I'm making you cry, man…

**E.B.F.R.-** Thank you! Here's you're update! I hope you like this chapter just as much.

The snow crunched underneath Joan's feet as she walked into the graveyard. The sound seemed foreign and alien to Judith, like she had never heard it before, since her footsteps were totally silent. Judith hadn't understood why she was being sent back to Arcadia so soon until she had followed Joan into the cemetery.

Judith knew God had been portraying her in Joan's dreams. She couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy. She wanted to talk to Joan herself.

Judith watched as Joan paused in front of the headstone that Judith refused to call hers. To Judith-it was a rock. Nothing but a rock with her name on it. It seemed inappropriate to have a rock mark the memory of a human being. Rocks were steady and stable, a promise that would always be there. Death was the opposite. It didn't give guarantees. The headstone seemed definite and solid. Judith's death was questionable and blurred.

"I…I didn't think to bring anything…" Joan began, unsure. "'cause, well, what are you gonna do with flowers?" Joan asked, trying to smile slightly. Judith sat next to the headstone, amused, looking at Joan eagerly with anticipation. There were so many things Judith needed to hear.

"So, things are pretty much the same, which is weird." Joan stated. "Although, Luke did this…" She trailed off in thought for a moment. "This awesome dive off of the high board…Which wasn't really a_ dive_ dive. It was more like…" She searched for an analogy "Will Farrell falling out of a plane. You would have peed yourself."

Judith smiled widely. What Joan was saying seemed so familiar, as if nothing had changed. The only thing that assured that nagging reality check at the back of Judith's mind was that Joan had kneeled down and turned her attention to the headstone.

"Can I say that in a cemetery?" Joan asked. Judith frowned at how small she sounded. "Anyway, Luke did it." She paused as she brushed some snow from the stone. "Oh, and he and Grace are a public item." Judith laughed along with Joan, though she had been aware of this earlier. Joan's laughter trailed off. "Ah…It's a freak show. And you're…um…you're…" Judith felt herself frown. Joan was breaking. A sob cut into her voice. "Dead and I didn't come before because…I was so scared…" Judith nodded knowingly. "…That if I had to say goodbye, you know…the real one where I have to admit that I'm never gonna see you again…it would hurt so much", Joan continued emotionally. "…To let go like that. And it might never s-stop, but…" Judith watched as Joan traced the letters engraved on the headstone, as if making sure they really spelled out her best friend's name. "…But I have to. Goodbye." Judith felt herself fill with warmth as she watched Joan kiss her hand before touching the headstone again.

"I love you."

Joan stood up and walked away with Adam, but Judith didn't move. She sat there, smiling, not even fully aware of the tears spilling from her eyes. She knew Joan hadn't abandoned her now, and she never would. Joan's goodbye was different from so many others because of it reluctances, its oath to stay alive. Judith felt lighter knowing death didn't stand between the two of them. It had destroyed their connection in some ways and had made it stronger in so many others. It had ended something great, but began something better.

Judith stood up and walked out of the cemetery, knowing her time in Arcadia was up. She noticed a guy standing on the street corner, hands in his corduroy jacket pockets. He offered her a small smile as she made her way over to him. They didn't need words so they didn't speak.

He knew she understood. She'd finally realized that, no matter what, her physical state of living was gone, but the promise of who she was and the love of those she'd left behind would give her the strength to be more alive then she ever had been.


End file.
